Yesterday, as I exited Mott’s Hospital in Ann Arbor after receiving my fourth infusion, I stepped out into the cold air to head to the parking structure. I took a breath and my chest suddenly seized up and my throat closed. I could not breathe. I sat there - heaving, gasping for air in the middle of the street, uncertain of what was happening to me, but feeling like a fish out of water. At that moment, it certainly felt as if death was imminent. I started to get light headed and felt like I was going to lose consciousness. My fate was not in my hands. But I was in the hands of God. And that, my dear friends, is all that mattered.
There is a famous poem written by English poet, William Henley (1849–1903), called “Invictus” (Latin for “unconquered”):
“Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.”
-William Henley
The poem has been cited by many, including some inspirational leaders such as Nelson Mandela, as well as some heinously evil men like Timothy McVeigh (as he received his lethal injection). In fact, I used to think this poem was inspirational at one point in my life - and then I matured.
Jon Bloom writes:
“Henley wrote “Invictus” when he was 27 years old, having battled Tuberculosis of the bone for years, to which he had last a leg and which eventually killed him at age 53. He was an avowed atheist, so the only place he could look for strength was himself…So Henley wrote “Invictus” as a poetic middle finger to the cosmos - and if God did exist (see the last stanza) to him, too.”
And as John Piper states:
”Henley’s life (1849-1903) almost exactly parallels that of Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) who said that the modern world had rendered God irrelevant so that we could legitimately say, “God is dead.” Corresponding to God’s demise was the rise in Nietzsche’s thinking of the “Übermensch.” This was the air that Henley breathed.
Would that Nietzsche, who went insane the last 12 years of his life—and Timothy McVeigh, who claimed the rule of his soul till he lost it—had both seen the beauty of being ruled by Christ.”
Much like the selfish prideful appeal to the fallen nature of Man by authors like Ayn Rand (“Atlas Shrugged”) which focus on man’s own productive achievement and personal happiness as his highest moral purpose, Henley’s poem is a self-centered temper tantrum which misses virtually everything that matters in this life and fails to understand the metaphysical nature of our existence. How many have been deluded by these errant philosophies only to miss the true message God has revealed to mankind. I feel sorry for the many that are captured by the lies of those like Henley, Rand, Nietzsche and so many others who pervert truth and lead humanity astray.
Now, there is another individual who got it. In fact, she wrote a poem to “redeem” Invictus, if you will, called “Conquered” (Invictus means “unconquered”) - Dorothy Day. She was a suffragette, advocate for the poor and leader of the Catholic Worker Movement.
“Out of the light that dazzles me,
Bright as the sun from pole to pole,
I thank the God I know to be,
For Christ – the Conqueror of my soul.
Since His the sway of circumstance,
I would not wince nor cry aloud.
Under the rule which men call chance,
My head, with joy, is humbly bowed.
Beyond this place of sin and tears,
That Life with Him and His the Aid,
That, spite the menace of the years,
Keeps, and will keep me unafraid.
I have no fear though straight the gate:
He cleared from punishment the scroll.
Christ is the Master of my fate!
Christ is the Captain of my soul!”
-Dorothy Day
What a difference! In truth, no man is “captain” of his own soul, but for the right to choose God or reject God - a choice that will be honored by God in the end. We often seek to make God into man’s image and do not recognize that man is instead made in the image of God. Of course, this is a direct result of Pride, Selfishness, Vanity, Greed, etc. But obedience, humility and sacrifice are the marks of true heroes and God has revealed this to us par excellence in the actions of Jesus Christ and his mother Mary.
And, without a doubt, no one is captain of their fate - that is in God’s hands alone.
As I was about to collapse, I stumbled my way to the Mott’s Children’s Emergency room and was immediately triaged. After receiving oxygen, chest x-ray (clear) and EKG (normal), my breathing slowly started to normalize. It turns out, it was not my time. The respiratory distress was a reaction caused by the Oxiliplatin chemotherapy drug that was administered only hours ago, which causes the body and the nervous system to react to cold - sometimes violently - and unbeknownst to me, can cause breathing problems.
But, I am deeply grateful my soul has been conquered by Christ and that he is the captain of my soul as regardless of the outcome, death cannot be feared.
I remain the obedient servant of God first above all.
Oh man, how absolutely terrifying! So glad you were close to the ER when that happened. Also, how have I never heard Dorothy Day's refreshing rewrite of Invictus? Thank you for sharing that!
Know of my prayers as you journey the dark valley. I'm glad you know God is at your side.
Inspiring. Thank you for the courageous writing and channeling the true spirit.